This superhero parody was inspired by my impending doom...I mean fatherhood.
If anyone is interested in doing some artwork for this let me know.
The Adventures of Pharaoh and Junior
by John Grayshaw
(Establishing shot of Pharaoh’s Estate, a gothic manor house. Inside the house, Pharaoh’s Wife is searching for her husband. She’s wearing normal modern clothing khaki’s and a nice blouse. She finds her husband in his study. Pharaoh is almost finished putting on his costume, it is an elaborate thing in a partially Egyptian motif, but with a large cape).
Pharaoh’s Wife- What are you doing?
Pharaoh- What does it look like I’m doing? I’m putting on my costume and going out on patrol.
Pharaoh’s Wife- I thought we talked about this. You’re a father now. You’ve got a responsibility to us.
Pharaoh- You talked about it; I just gave up arguing with you. I told you what I was when we were dating. I warned you I wouldn’t change before we were married, and I told you I wasn’t going to stop fighting crime just because we had a baby.
Pharaoh’s Wife- But don’t you deserve your own life? You’ve saved the city again and again, but it's time to put that in the past and let someone else worry about the future.
(Sound of baby crying. It shakes the curtains and other loose parts of the house).
Besides before you save the world, it’s your turn to change the diaper.
Narration- Pharaoh’s years of intense physical and mental training in ancient Egyptian arts serve him well during diaper changing…
(The action whirls as Pharaoh fluidly and gracefully changes the diaper while Pharaoh’s Wife looks on. BAMF!- Pharaoh takes off the dirty diaper. KLIK!- as the dirty diaper is thrown in the trash can. DOOP!-as the baby is cleaned off. SWOOP!-He pulls a clean diaper out of his utility belt. SHOONK!-As the new diaper is put on. Shot of the baby smiling).
Pharaoh’s Wife- Don’t think you’ve won the argument just cause Junior needed changing. It’s your night to mind him and I don’t want you taking him out on patrol again.
Pharaoh- Come on, why else do you think I went to the trouble of installing a baby seat in the Pharaoh-mobile. …It wasn’t easy you know, I had to get rid of half the missile launchers.
Narration- Later that same evening.
(Pharaoh is on the rooftop of a building. He has his costume and mask on. He has the baby strapped along his chest in a baby carrier. The baby is in a tiny version of the Pharaoh costume and even has a tiny little mask).
Pharaoh- Mommy doesn’t appreciate how much you love patrolling does she?
(The sound of an ALARM coming from street level. The Pharaoh uses his cape to glide down to ground level and gets in front of the bank just as the criminals are running out onto the street. The villains are the Entertainer, who dresses in a tuxedo with tails and top hat and his two henchmen Sal and Rat).
Sal- It’s the Pharaoh!
Rat- Look, he has his baby…Aw isn’t he cute!
Entertainer- You fools! I don’t care how cute the baby is. Attack!
Narration- Taught by the reincarnation of Horus, the Pharaoh is an expert in forms of hand-to-hand combat forgotten for several millennia
(Pharaoh sidesteps Sal’s lunge and THAK!-Karate chops his back. Rat tries to punch him, but he blocks it and CLOP!-punches him in the face. The two of them both attack him at the same time, but Pharaoh jumps over them at the last second and KRUNTCH!- they crash into each other. But while Pharaoh is still distracted the Entertainer sneaks up on him and stanches the baby out of the carrier. Then he starts laughing maniacally).
Entertainer- Once again evil triumphs because of good’s vulnerabilities; let us go on our merry way or your baby will be dead before he says his first words.
Pharaoh- You think Junior is a liability. What kind of a father would I be if I made a habit of endangering my son’s life?
(Entertainer carefully examines the seemingly harmless baby).
The fact is I only keep him in the carrier because I’m being kind.
Entertainer- You’re bluffing.
(He takes out a ray gun and tries to shoot the baby, but BLAPP!- the shot just bounces off).
Pharaoh- It’s the darnest thing, he was born with a personal force shield.
(Entertainer is horrified).
Entertainer- Get this kid away from me!
(He hold him out by the underarms and the baby doesn’t like it, so he starts to cry and the power of the babies wail forces the Entertainer to his knees. He drops the baby who bounces due to his force shield and ends up in Pharaoh’s arms. Shot of the baby smiling and happy.
Pharaoh- He’s also got one heck of a sonic scream. The wife and I have to wear special earplugs until he learns to control it.
(Pharaoh straps the baby back across his chest and then goes over and handcuffs the Entertainer).
Come on Junior, let’s put these naughty men where they belong.